You grow up the day when....

1.The day cooties became STDs

2.The day Halloween was no longer an excuse to dress up like a cute princess and eat candy, but an excuse to be a skanky dom and take shots.

Oh how things change.

3.The day eating a popsicle was no longer an innocent and delicious snack, but was compared to giving a blow job amidst juvenile snickers.

4. The day everything you ever say about anything has a sexual connotation. For example, I was watching the show "The Office", which is amazing, and Jim had put Dwight’s stapler in Jello. Michael Scott said that he had to eat it out. I love all things Jello-related, and I have a fantasy that one day I will get to experiment with a giant pool of red jello. My question is: what would happen to someone who fell onto it? Would you go through, bounce, sink, stay in limbo??? Anyways, I responded to “you have to eat it out,” with-“ that’s my policy in life.” That was considered very very sexual. Of course. Goddamit.

5. The day "Romeo and Juliet" was no longer a classic love story of “two star-crossed lovers,” but instead you think: thank God they died when they did, because if they had stayed together, a week later Juliet would sit up after sex and say “what now?” Fucking dumbasses don’t know the first thing about each other except “she’s pretty I think I’m love with her I think she’s my soulmate.” Right. Because love at first sight is real. ATTENTION NAÏVE DUMBASSES: LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT IS A MYTH PUT OUT BY PLAYS LIKE THIS. There is only lust at first sight. It is impossible to love someone without knowing anything about who they are except “pretty.” So, yeah, one week later, Romeo and Juliet would be saying “Well, fuck.” Pretty much up shit creek.
“Well-we have one thing in common- Want to talk about the ancient feud, or should we search for a new topic? You’re twelve, so….awkward, yeah….thank God we died in the end.”

Nordicbitch

Crazy Bitch

Hey. You're a crazy bitch, but you fuck so good I'm on top of it.

Because Queen Elizabeth was crazy (as in awesome), and apparently had a lot of sex.

I thought it was funny.

eh.

Nordicbitch

More Pressing Issues That Smokey the Bear Probably Should Have Warned Us About

Forest fires? Come on... nobody cares about forest fires anymore. Yeah, sucks for California, but I think Smokey should have taught the youth of America more valuable lessons.

-- Only you can prevent std's - wear a condom!
-- Only you can prevent your friend from wearing that hideous plaid shirt.
-- Only you can prevent emo kids from listening to Bright Eyes.
-- Only you can prevent your drunk friend from giving her number to the "super cute" cashier at Burger King.
-- Only you can prevent consumption of the toaster strudels in my fucking freezer.
-- Only you can prevent butt - put down the ice cream you fatty.

~Texass

Saved by the Bell: La REVOLUCION

Saved by the Bell kicks serious ass-when I was a kid, and now, when I can re-watch it and laugh. One of the things I noticed the second time around, as a technical “grown-up” is that I didn’t catch a LOT of things first time around. And so, I have compiled a list of things I think a lot of us didn’t notice about Saved by the Bell when we were in sixth grade.

1. Sometimes, the six of them (Zach, Kelly, Lisa, Slater, Jessie and Screech) are the only ones who get desks in a classroom. Example: the photography class Mr. Belding, the principal, teaches. What?

2. Geometry isn’t hard. Jessie made geometry look like it was impossible in the BEST EPISODE EVER-Jessie’s Song-the one where the girls start a singing group called Hot Sunday and Jessie takes caffeine pills for a geometry test. I remember dreading geometry after that episode-because if smart Jessie needs to resort to drugs to study for it, what will happen to me? Then I got into 7th grade, took geometry, and realized that Jessie is a dipshit.

3. Caffeine pills aren’t really drugs. That’s not true. They can be dangerous and addicting. However, Jessie was on those things for seriously TWO DAYS and then she’s freaking out and crying and I don’t even know. And then everyone brought her flowers and she acted like she had just given birth or gone through the ordeal of a lifetime. Shit, if I knew everyone was going to bring me flowers after two days of caffeine pills I’d go get some right fucking now.

4. Sometimes Kellie wore bikini tops under her jacket to class. What? Really….

5. I fucking hate Dustin Diamond.

6. Saved by the Bell was actually kind of an asshole show. It promoted bullying, and making fun of fat kids. Every time Zach made fun of a fat kid, the laugh track would sound, telling all of us impressionable kids at home that making fun of nerds and fat people is really funny. I know-this blog is based on making fun of people. I’m just being hypocritical.

7. Who the FUCK WAS TORI AND WHERE DID SHE COME FROM?????? She scared me so bad as a child-I called her “Scary Tori.” Not really, but I should have.

8.Lastly, every time Jessie says “Male Chauvinist Pig,” an angel somewhere loses its wings. So obnoxious. We get it-you’re the stereotypical image of a feminist-Yay!!!!


PS On searching for google images of “the gang” to accompany this blog-the FIRST fucking picture that shows up is one of Tiffani-Amber Thiessen’s boobies, clearly seen through a sheer top. Then I saw one of Jessie’s pudenda. I almost starting weeping. Wholesome my fucking ass.

Nordicbitch

Helen Keller is a dumbass

I’ve never appreciated Helen Keller as others do. Everyone thinks it's cold-hearted to pick on her, but then I remind them that Helen Keller knocked out Ann Sullivan’s teeth, and even deaf/blind/ugly people must be subjected to a critical analysis.
Here’s a quote I want to share.

“The best and most beautiful things cannot be seen or even touched-they must be felt with the heart.” Helen Keller.

At first glance, some people may think that’s a beautiful and moving inspirational quote. But in the end, you have to realize that anything Helen Keller says, take with a grain of salt, because a groundbreaking fact renders Helen’s pearl of wisdom meaningless, and it is this:

HELEN KELLER CANNOT SEE.

How does she know that the most beautiful things can’t be seen? To pass a sweeping judgment like that, one must think that Helen Keller had fully investigated her subject matter, which would require three things: a working heart, working nerve endings, and working eyes. And so Helen falters. Again, take Helen’s words at face value, because I don’t think she knows what the fuck she’s talking about.

Another thing I really enjoy about Helen Keller is something I read of her work. She said that whenever she’s stressed, lonely, or blue, she likes to go to New York City. Question: Why in God’s name would a deaf, blind woman enjoy New York City? I’ve been there, and I’d say the charm of NYC lies in its visuals: soaring skyscrapers, glittering lights. It combines with the sounds of N.Y.C. to create a unique atmosphere that poor Helen could sadly not experience. The two senses that New York City is rather harsh on happen to be the only senses Helen Keller employs-smell and touch. Let’s be honest-the smell of shit that wafts up from the sewers is not exactly a memory to treasure, and feeling strangers jostling past you on the streets isn’t a joy for anyone. Put a blind woman in this situation, and all she experiences of New York is the smell of garbage and tons of people pushing past her, uncaring that they’re jostling someone who’s “special.” That’s where she goes when she’s stressed out? Oh, Helen.

Nordicbitch

Toasters Can Save the Sorry State of Our Foreign Relations

Do you know what are amazing? Toasters. I am really enamored of the toaster. I mean, look how goddamn happy it is!
It's our own Brave Little Toaster! What other appliance pops your bagel/bread/poptart/toaster strudel/checkbook out of it's head so enthusiastically? Coffee makers are just disrespectful and cheeky, taking their damn time making your coffee. Ovens make you do all the work. Microwaves always mess your shit up. The only other appliancy-things I liked were Mrs. Potts and Chip from Beauty and the Beast. But Chip was an obnoxious prick. So to sum up:

-Toasters are nice.
-They like to lightly heat up whatever you put in them and make it delicious. Even paper.
-You can draw faces on them.
-One time my toaster burned the plastic wrap around my bread (since they were next to each other) and melted it. It was pretty cool.
-You can throw toasters are people you don't like. Or people you do like.

Next week, the Universality and Entertainment Factor of Paper Clips.

Attractively,
Texass

Va-gi-gi

personally I prefer the term va-gi-gi. Also, random fact of the day, the plural form of vagina is vaginae, go to this site-which has a list of dirty words that are really funny to hear Merriam-Webster say. Vaginae is the funniest. http://www.thesneeze.com/mt-archives/000301.php Trust me, it's worth it.

I am officially addicted to something that's going to kill me! Yay! I'm celebrating with a cigarette...

Nordicbitch

Top Ten Names For "Vagina" That Make Me Laugh

10. pudenda
9. loins
8. v-holla
7. doo-dah
6. babymaker (technically "uterus". whatever.)
5. vag
4. coochie-snorcher
3. va-jay-jay
2. cooter
1. hooey

Awkwardly,
Texass

I Love Herpes Commercials.

I love herpes commercials. They are just about the greatest thing to ever happen to television. The great thing about them is that they're really for the enjoyment of the herpe-free. Besides just sitting back and enjoying however, I suggest analyzing herpes commercials for added amusement. The first thing you notice is that

EVERY SINGLE ONE HAS A FUCKING CANOE.

To my knowledge, there has never been a herpes commercial without a couple in a canoe. Or, if they aren't canoeing they are either
1. Kayaking
2. Frolicking on the beach
3. Swimming
4. Doing something water-related.

I'm sure this can't be a coincidence, and there must be some symbolism connected to water and herpes. Therefore, I went on a mission to Wikipedia to figure it out. And they did have the answer, as they always do. According to a philosophy of water, "Water is considered a purifier in most religions....water is used to cleanse a person or an area."

Those smart ad execs. They use the image of water to make us think of purification, cleansing, and starting afresh. Too bad herpes is for life.

And hey its Texass's STD joke, with herpes.

knock knock

who's there

herpes. sorry.

nordic bitch

Tres Thingos

There are three things that made me very very happy today:

1. A kid in my psychology class asked, "Was 'Skinner' actually his real name?" God, I love morons.
2. Throwing dead flowers and stale crackers off my 8th floor balcony to hit people's cars.
3. Wearing my Vagina Monologues shirt on parent's weekend. A bright red shirt that exclaims THE VAGINAS ARE COMING is the best attention-getter I know of. Especially in front of crotchety old people.

Leading the El Salvadorians to Revolution,
Texass

Suicidal Pupper

this picture hurts me. You can tell the dog is miserable. Some people shouldn't be allowed to have pets. Or children, for that matter. There should be a test, and people who do this to their dog fail . Automatic F.
Nordicbitch

Why I Have Nightmares

Well thank the LORD we can bring laptops to class, otherwise I might go on a shooting rampage. My professor is STUPID. She's the kind to wear Halloween themed sweaters. And I don't like her. Exhibit A:

Yeah, she's so dumb she EATS dumb. The irony here is that I accidentally spelled "even" wrong. Goddammit.

Exhibito B:It's a known fact that Jesus dislikes stats too. But does he do anything about it? Ye-no.

Exhibit Q3:

My mommy thays I's a good fiyer draller.
I'm pretty sure hate crimes via arson aren't illegal against abstract math class names. Also, I'm not sure on how to draw a flame thrower.

This is how I release my hidden aggression towards sample sets,
TexAss

Pretension and Condesation

anyone who tells you they like Metamorphosis by Kafka, or American Pastoral by Roth is lying, and obnoxiously pretentious, and the only thing I hate more than pretension is condensation. Not condescension, condensation. Fucking gets all over you.
Nordicbitch

La Historia... dun dun DUUUN

So I'm not even kidding, this is how it went down:

Texass: hahahahahhahahaha
Texass: we should start a blog
Texass: and be awesomely retarded like that
NordicBitch: we so should-the only thing is incentive for people to read it
Texass: bahaha
Texass: that's why we force them under threat of murdering their families
NordicBitch: we could promise to post boobie pictures if we get 100,000 readers
Texass: oooooh you're so smart

I wasn't being sarcastic, it's a great idea. IT'S ON.

spontaneously combusting,
Texass

P.S. - NordicBitch stole my STD joke. Or are they supposed to be called "VD's"... cuz either way they both sound bad.

Introductions

my name is nordic bitch, and I'm really awkward. I like offensive humor. I also like Wendy's frosties a lot.
Let me close with a joke.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Gonorrhea. Sorry.

I love awkward situations.

I'm Texass. I'm pretty much the same as Nordic Bitch. I love irony. And chocolate mousse.